| permanent damage. thats what it is. i just can't help but cry everytime you ask me about it. |
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| to do list for the week:
1) resume
2) psc essay
3) buy cny shoes
4) eat less
  
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hiiiii why do you read my xanga? idk why people would read this bbbbbbut something in me feels like posting an entry thats not superficial/bimbotic.
well yesterday i finally accepted and went out with B to grab lunch tgt. at first it was supposed to be..well, lunch. ok we were supposed to meet up coz he owes me cash and i had some things to return to him. well lunch was long, then we played pool, and took the gayest neoprints ever. and honestly, i never had such awesome fun in a long time. despite not being in a relationship anymore, i rly rly rly did enjoy his company as a platonic friend. i guess he's changed for the better. there are not many people whom i can feel so comfortable with and B is definitely one of them. that hasnt changed..for sure. a few weeks back, i thought i would just distance myself from B to protect myself emotionally. i guess it did do us good. i didnt pick up any of his calls..i replied his texts occasionally but definitely in a really cold manner. i just didnt feel like myself in those texts..i felt very unnatural but its just like my mind telling me that i have to be on guard, i have to be really defensive of myself and i have to not give in anymore. was also being 'advised' by friends and parents to ignore B. but i guess inside me, im just hopelessly soft and wobbly like jello. ok so the both of us are over, but B has definitely left a permanent impact on my life..both good and bad. B was always there when my family had to go thru a rough patch in 2009. and i wish to forget the bad parts but i can't. and i admit that some of the downs are partly my fault too. i hope im not portraying myself as an angel and B as a devil heh. i prob seem hypocritical...at one point of time im just all i-dont-wish-to-talk-to-you but i met up with him again coz i felt more ready to do so i guess. and im glad it turned out good.
so is knowing B the best thing that happened to me? hmmm.
anw happy nineteenth to B in 2 days' time.
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